Archive for April, 2008

Good news!!

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

I received a letter in the mail yesterday telling me that Commerce Bank has approved me for an excellent rate on a home equity loan! Now I can refinance my home to pay off other debt or make purchases!! All I have to do is fill out a form and….own a home. Hm, it’s that second requirement that I see being a sticking point. I don’t OWN a home!

Dear Commerce Bank,

Please put your “leads” through some sort of vetting process before repeatedly sending them junk mail and asking them for personal information. Identity theft is an issue and I lack the main requirement to take advantage of your offer. Just because I have a paltry savings account with your bank does not mean I would like to hear about other “great services” you offer. If I get more junk mail from you, I will move said paltry savings account to another bank.

Your chirpy Penny Arcade is not enough to keep me there; especially when I can stroll in off the street and use for free whenever I want (account holder or not).* Nor are your extended hours. Most banks have jumped on that trend. You know what WOULD keep me there? Leaving me the Hell alone. Oh, and free money. Free money would be good.

Until you have a message that is USEFUL and APPLIES TO ME, back off. Otherwise next time I will call customer service to discuss the offer. I have a little more time on my hands these days which is bad news for you.

Regards,

ScarletMLS

P.S. Cutting down on your mailing lists would allow you to make the claim that you’re institution keeps the environment in mind during your marketing campaigns, allowing you to jump aboard the “green” bandwagon. That would likely get you further than blind direct mailing. Just sayin’.

*Your prizes irritate me too. A coffee mug? Really? Do you have any idea how many silly free coffee mugs currently take up space in my kitchen cabinets? Give me the $1.10 it cost to produce and we’ll call it a day. Don’t even get me started on the lame t-shirts.

Mouse Watch 2008

Friday, April 18th, 2008

I’ve only seen a mouse in my apartment once. It was at the beginning of December 2007 and I was getting ready for work. I sat on the floor in the dining room to put on my shoes and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed something move in the living room. I looked up just in time to see a little furry brown ass scamper under the couch. I learned something that day. I’m AFRAID of mice when they’re in my living room!!

I had seen mice in the wild (read: the back yard). I’d even seen them at zoos and pet stores. I thought – hey, no big deal. They’re even kind of cute. That was before there was one roaming free in my living space and possibly walking ALL OVER EVERYTHING I OWN. At that exact second, mice became vile. *

I called my landlord as soon as I saw the furry beast and he came to my apartment that night to put down bait. I also got some advice from friends and plugged up some little holes in cabinets and the flooring with steel wool. Mice can’t chew through it and so it blocks their entry. Huzzah!

I was actually surprised to see it. I keep my place clean and while the landlord mentioned the tenants before me had seen one, I hadn’t in over 2 years. When I moved in the landlord said that when the previous tenants saw one, they put down bait and the problem was solved. No more mice. I now know that he stretched the truth a little. Apparently the basement apartment has seen them from time to time. My food had also never been touched…that is, until this week.

A few nights during the past few weeks I asked for a moment of silence while on the phone with my boyfriend. I thought I heard scratching. I couldn’t tell where it was coming from though. My landlord does NOT take care of the backyard and so it looks like a jungle. I thought perhaps a bobcat or Sasquatch was living back there and maybe IT was making the noise. That was wishful thinking.

I just spent a longish weekend at my boyfriend’s apartment. I was a bit under the weather, so I was working remotely from his place on Monday and Tuesday. When I got home on Wednesday, I went to unpack my things and that’s when I saw it. Mouse poop! In the kitchen! My BEDROOM is just off of the kitchen! PANIC!!! All I could think about was mice crawling all over my things for 4 DAYS! One was even on my slipper! I know this because there was poop on my slipper!!** EW EW EW EW! MORE PANIC! ACCOMPANIED BY TEARS!!!

I called the landlord to let him know this was UNACCEPTABLE! Keep in mind, my landlord is a lazy, greedy dunce. His helpful and intelligent response? “It’s an urban environment, it’s Spring, there’s nothing I can do. Put more bait down.” I said that he should mow the back yard. He said that didn’t have anything to do with it. LIES! I know that he doesn’t want to go back there because the last time he did (1.5 YEARS ago), he got poison ivy. Hey, that’s not my problem. He finally said I could get a cat. But sadly, I can’t. I travel on weekends.

Beside myself, I did what any normal 30 year old woman would do. I called my mom and cried. She reassured me that based on the information I relayed, it didn’t sound like a whole pack of mice – but normal mouse problem due to the Spring and living environment. She also said I could move back home for a few months until I find a new apartment (and I haven’t ruled that out yet).

That night after I cried to my boyfriend (he’s a wonderful man and VERY patient…he has to be, he’s with me), I tried to settle down to sleep. Again…RUSTLING! So, I quickly shined the flashlight in its general direction. Nothing. Lights out. Rustling! Flashlight. Nothing. Repeat one more time.

Thursday morning as I’m getting ready for work I was still wondering to myself why they were there. You see, they never got into my food. Then I saw the box of packs of snack crackers I bought from BJ’s. Three of the packs had been violated. This means one crafty and nimble mouse scaled a METAL baker’s rack to get to these crackers. That’s it! This is WAR!

The crackers went in the trash, along with ANY other food they may have touched. Needless to say I threw out a lot. I now have snapping plastic bins for any food I bring into the house that does not go into the refrigerator. I’m under the impression that cans are alright to leave out. However, the MOMENT I see teeth marks in the cans. I’m moving. I don’t want to fuck with those mice.

I also disinfected the entire apartment and stuffed more steel wool everywhere I possibly could. I bought and laid a new kind of bait, as well as two snappy traps. And the pièce de résistance is the rat zapper that’s currently being shipped to me. That’s right. You want to mess with me and my slippers? You get electrocuted!!

It turns out most everyone who has lived in or near a city has a mouse story for you. It happens to almost everyone. That still doesn’t make it OK, but I think my favorite story is from a friend who said he came home to find a mouse in his bathtub one day. It looked utterly defeated. Apparently it fell into the tub but couldn’t climb back out and just kept sliding back to the center. Without an appropriate trapping device, he scooped it up in a pillow case and ran it outside.

I learned about the rat zapper from my boss who also occasionally has mice. She said it’s the best thing ever and if I were going to order one, please get another one for her too. Really? It worked so well you want two? OK, I believe you. Sign me up.

I still want to move, but I also want to buy a house some day. Rent is insane around the city and moving is COSTLY. I’m REALLY trying to save for that down payment. So, I’d rather not move and destroy the mice if I can. And so Mouse Watch 2008 (my war on terror***) begins.

*But not as vile as any sort of bugs. ALL bugs are disgusting, unacceptable and one of my biggest fears. The second I see one in my apartment, I pack up and leave. For that, yes, I will move back in with mom and dad.

**Yes, of COURSE I threw those slippers away IMMEDIATELY!

***No offense to anyone intended. I’m just saying they scare the bejesus out of me.

Good times

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008

Here’s a fun project for all of you legal* boys and girls! Update your Netflix queue after drinking a few glasses of wine, and then look at it about a week later. You might just add titles like The Hudsucker Proxy, Roman Holiday, Capote and Across the Universe. Fascinating.

*Ages 21+ – I promote following the law and safety. *snicker*

Maybe it’s me.

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008

I don’t really understand the fun, or funny for that matter, of April Fool’s Day. I don’t consider this a “holiday” (and I’m using the term loosely) or why people think it’s acceptable to “celebrate” by playing practical jokes on co-workers and friends. It’s really not a good time for most people. I don’t need other people putting effort into making me look like a fool. I make enough mistakes that have that outcome on my own, thank you very much.

I also don’t enjoy covering for people who want to play jokes on others. Just leave me out of it OK? You’re taking away from my productivity at work (just like this blog post) and I try to live by the golden “do unto others” rule.

Oh – and none of you are funny. For instance, sending a company wide e-mail that says Dick Cheney will now be freelancing for us is NOT funny. It’s a waste of my time and energy to read and roll my eyes. If just once I saw an April Fool’s Day joke that made me laugh, perhaps I’d reconsider – but likely not.

Let’s just leave me out of it and catch up again on April 2? OK?