I recently found out that someone I had considered a friend for years, holds the title of The Most Selfish Person in the World. I’m sure for some this is a distinguished title that garners awe from spectators and comes with many accolades, but I am not a fan. And let me assure you – she earned the title in a grand fashion.
In December of 2006 this friend accepted her boyfriend’s proposal of marriage and became engaged. I’m not exactly sure what chemical reactions happen in the brains of some women to make them absolutely insane and self centered the moment a diamond ring is offered to them and put on their finger, but it happens and it hit her hard.
She called the next day to tell me the happy news, and ask me to be in her wedding. I was happy for her and accepted. Mistake #1 and the beginning of the end of our friendship.
Now I know that through the entire engagement period (and wedding) many brides think of it as “their day” and they will do whatever they damn well please without taking anyone else’s feelings into account. Hell, there’s an entire television show dedicated to the phenomena (Bridezillas). That doesn’t, however, make it acceptable. Not one bit. Because while it may be your day…it’s his day too. And, ultimately, you’re throwing a party. That means you’re the host! And as the host, you also have a responsibility to think of your guests. After all, they’re there to celebrate the happy occasion and usually give you gifts. Think about showing THEM a good time. It’s actually NOT all about you. You may be the star, but without them, you’ve got no show.
The entire process lasted a little over one year, and ended mid-January. Throughout this nightmare (yeah, I said it), I took mental notes about what not to do should I walk down the aisle one day. Here are the highlights:
1. If you decide to ask your friends to stand up for you and be your bridesmaids, remember that they are your friends and not just people you want to call and suck up to you every day.
1 a. Limit it to one Maid of Honor, because really, two is unnecessary.
1 b. Do not explain that you chose two Maids of Honor because you took their time constraints and finances into mind, implying that one would provide the funds while the other had the time to help with planning. Neither will be pleased.
1 c. Try to have at least ONE bridesmaid within a 50 mile radius.
1 d. If you don’t want their opinion just say so. Conversely, if you want your bridesmaid’s help, say so. Don’t refuse help and then try to put a guilt trip on them when asking for an absurd and outlandish request (like delivering a $1,000 groom’s cake from Baltimore to Middle-of-Nowhere VA).
1 e. Don’t ask for absurd and outlandish requests.
1 f. A $1,000 groom’s cake?! WTF?! DO NOT do that.
1 g. A $1,000 cake of any kind! WTF?! DO NOT do that.
1 h. Wonder aloud why your fiancee can’t scrape up ONE member of a bridal party. If he’s got zero friends in life, you may want to find out why.
2. Pick whichever date you choose, but if it’s in the winter DO NOT hold your reception in a tent.
2 a. If it’s not in the winter, and you decided to have a tent, get a floor.
2 b. If it’s in the winter and the only non-hideous dresses you’ve chosen for your bridesmaids are sleeveless, DO NOT make them stand outside in snow flurries for pictures. They can not be held responsible if they do not look happy.
2 c. If you hold your reception in a tent, don’t tell your guests it will be held in a historic plantation home only to have them walk through the home to go to the tent in the back yard (only to walk back to the home to use the bathroom).
2 d. If you hold your reception in a tent, decorate the damn thing.
3. DO NOT make each and every one of your guests travel over 2 hours to attend your event.
3 a. DO NOT ask all of your bridal party to travel over 7 hours one way.
3 b. Do not make your bridal party find rides from the ceremony back to the reception because you and your new husband took the limo. You should REALLY not do this if your bridal party traveled over 7 hours to get there. Stop making them think about travel.
4. If your bridal party has to pay for the room they’re staying in, make sure you CLEARLY tell them that before check out time.
4 a. DO NOT ask your Maids of Honor if they’d like to share a room, especially when one has a boyfriend.
4 b. DO NOT ask your Maids of Honor if they’d like to share a room with one king size bed just because it opens up an extra room in the main house.
4 c. Invite your Maids of Honor with a GUEST, especially if one has a boyfriend and you’re asking both to travel over 7 hours one way to attend your “event.” DO NOT make them ask if they can bring their guest.
5. Do not repeatedly ask your guests to tell you how special you are. Clearly you’re special to them. They not only showed up to your event, but traveled a distance to do so.
5 a. Do not repeatedly “open up the floor” during your rehearsal dinner to anyone who “wants to say a few words” about you.
6. Get a caterer whose food makes you (and your guests) want second helpings. Do not get a caterer who doesn’t know how to make prime rib, manages to find the fattiest meat in the South and whose other specialty is fried chicken.
6 a. Do not have fried chicken as one of the two entrees at your wedding. It’s tacky and your guests should have food they couldn’t pick up at a fast food place on the way to the reception.
6 b. Carrot cake is too specific a flavor for a wedding cake. Not everyone shares your love of cream cheese frosting.
7. HAVE A FULL OPEN BAR!
8. Do not attend the after party. It’s your wedding night. If you do not have better things to do and you’re not considering leaving the reception just a bit early to do them, maybe you should reevaluate things.
9. Be kind to your family. Your parents want to see you happy and you should think about treating with love, kindness and respect.
10. Do not make your guests sit through and pay attention to a 30 minute slide show about you and your fiancee.
11. Pick a DJ or a band who owns more music than 3 ’90s compilation Cd’s.
12. Allow your GUESTS to dance for more than 1 hour of a 4 hour event. “Special” dances are nice, but let everyone have some fun.
12 a. If you own a custom built house, a corvette and a boat…do NOT have a money/dollar dance. And do not ask your DJ to say “$1, $5…whatever you can put in to dance with the bride or groom.”
12 b. Eh, do not have a dollar dance. You may not WANT to dance with everyone at your wedding.
12 c. Be sure that you and your fiancee sit the DJ down and give him an acceptable list of music to play. Also be sure to tell him which artists/songs are BANNED from the reception (e.g. The Electric Slide, The Hokey Poky, Meatloaf, Abba).
13. If your Maid of Honor is allergic to the fabric of her bridesmaid dress and is uncomfortable, let her leave the reception in peace. Do not ask her to change into jeans and come back.
14. Do not send out a 5 page itinerary that you expect everyone to follow the entire “wedding weekend.”
14 a. Do not do EVERYTHING yourself for your wedding. Have some of your vendors do the work. There is no reason your bridesmaids should be cutting the stems off of your flowers.
15. Lastly if your Maid of Honor suggests (TWICE) that she should not be in your wedding party, she should NOT be in your wedding party. Let her out of the commitment and stop being so damn selfish.
At this point you may wonder how I became friends with someone like this. The answer is simply, she wasn’t always this way. She had a spoiled streak, yes. But when we first met she was kind and even a little selfless. We were never best friends (contrary to her belief), but we were friends. Now? Well, I think now is a different story.
