Archive for the ‘People I Want to Punch in the Face’ Category

How do you know when you need therapy?

Wednesday, August 13th, 2008

I mean, I’m sure there are some obvious clues for some people…imaginary friends, giving handfuls of popcorn wrapped in tin foil as “nice” gifts, liking Rod Stewart music…that sort of thing. But what if the signs are subtle?

It’s no secret that I don’t like mass transit. I honestly thought it might be easier to bear now that I’m only taking it three times per week. I was wrong and having that thought in the first place should have been my first clue.

This morning, I was waiting patiently for the PATH train when a woman walked up next to me. That would have been fine had she STOPPED walking. Instead she walked directly into me and then stayed uncomfortably close until the train pulled up. Then she walked into me again, pushing me onto the train. She pushed me until she could run to a seat. Fortunately, I was able to restrain myself from punching her in the face. Unfortunately, the only open seat was next to her. I sat down and began my normal commute zone out. After the next stop I looked around at the incredibly and uncomfortably packed train and thought back to a movie my boyfriend and I watched recently. 28 Weeks Later. It’s about a virus that spreads rapidly through the population and makes everyone zombies. Since I was in a jam packed enclosed space I looked around and thought “if that happened now I’d totally be dead.” Then I looked directly at the woman who pushed me and thought: “If I become a zombie, I’m killing you first.”

I wonder if that’s a second clue?

Posted in People I Want to Punch in the Face | 4 Comments »

Update: Mouse Watch 2008

Friday, May 23rd, 2008

It’s official. My Rat Zapper works…even without bait. I say without bait because about 6 weeks ago I received the Rat Zapper and baited it for the first time. I baited it on a Friday morning and left to go to work. When I got to my front door that evening I nervously put my key in the lock. I was certain I’d see the little red light on top blinking, signaling that there was a kill inside. Eeek! I slowly turned the corner into the kitchen (I guess I thought sneaking up on it might help somehow) and, hm, no red light. No red light, but ANTS!! The bait attracted ANTS!! Awesome!* So I picked up my cell phone and ripped my landlord a new one. After hearing my tirade he sent over an exterminator.

The exterminator sprayed and baited. He also thought it would be fun to tell me horror stories about some of his other clients. He clearly had NO idea he was talking to someone who would likely benefit from anti-anxiety meds (as would those around her). And perhaps thought he was being casual – comforting even- when he said “at least it isn’t bed bugs.” Um, back up, WHAT? So, I said “why, are they really a problem around here?” Long story short, yes, in some places they are.

This short conversation led me to do a TON of paranoid research on these horrible little pests, which in turn, made me even more paranoid. It’s a vicious cycle with me. When the exterminator returned for the follow-up spray I told him of my paranoia and he responded by telling me of one of the worst cases of bed bugs he’d ever seen. Sweet, isn’t he? I immediately started scratching as he told me I didn’t have them. He even sat on my bed to show me where on my mattress to look for them if I ever suspected I had them. Then he told me he’d just come from that horrible apartment. OH MY GOD!! HE SAT ON MY BED!! HE SAT ON MY BED!!!! Panic, panic, panic. He leaves, I call my mom and cry (again!!). Both her and my boyfriend calmed me down by repeating the rationale that he’s the least likely person to spread any kind of bug, as he’s dripping with chemicals at all times. The exterminator even told me he sprayed his shoes till they were dripping. Later, my landlord told me the exterminator wears special suits for these cases (they’re friends and he’s told my landlord the stories too – but apparently with more detail). All of that, the lack of evidence, and knowing how they operate (research is fun) should convince me I’m safe. I continue to check my mattress daily.

Fast forward to this morning. I was leaving the zapper out and on, ya know, just in case. My heart literally stopped a moment when I walked into the kitchen and saw the light blinking. Oh my God. I have to dispose of a dead mouse. Oh my God! Oh my God!! Finally, my inner voice spoke up (it’s about time!) and told me to hike up my Big Girl Pants and get it over with. I picked up the zapper, closed my eyes and dumped it in the trash. I took a quick look back (mainly to be sure it came out) and felt a little bad. Half of me felt pity for the little fuzzy guy, while the other half said “I TOLD you! You fuck with my shit and you get ELECTROCUTED!!!” So I guess it really evens out in the end.

Either way, it is definitely time to flee. You’ve beaten me North Jersey! I will not be back!! Keep your various vermin and keep them away from my place in the suburbs!!

I’m not at all ashamed to say that the city and its pests beat me. In fact, I’m perfectly happy about it. And you know what? At least it isn’t bed bugs.

*And by awesome I mean the exact opposite.

Posted in People I Want to Punch in the Face, WTF? | No Comments »

Mouse Watch 2008

Friday, April 18th, 2008

I’ve only seen a mouse in my apartment once. It was at the beginning of December 2007 and I was getting ready for work. I sat on the floor in the dining room to put on my shoes and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed something move in the living room. I looked up just in time to see a little furry brown ass scamper under the couch. I learned something that day. I’m AFRAID of mice when they’re in my living room!!

I had seen mice in the wild (read: the back yard). I’d even seen them at zoos and pet stores. I thought – hey, no big deal. They’re even kind of cute. That was before there was one roaming free in my living space and possibly walking ALL OVER EVERYTHING I OWN. At that exact second, mice became vile. *

I called my landlord as soon as I saw the furry beast and he came to my apartment that night to put down bait. I also got some advice from friends and plugged up some little holes in cabinets and the flooring with steel wool. Mice can’t chew through it and so it blocks their entry. Huzzah!

I was actually surprised to see it. I keep my place clean and while the landlord mentioned the tenants before me had seen one, I hadn’t in over 2 years. When I moved in the landlord said that when the previous tenants saw one, they put down bait and the problem was solved. No more mice. I now know that he stretched the truth a little. Apparently the basement apartment has seen them from time to time. My food had also never been touched…that is, until this week.

A few nights during the past few weeks I asked for a moment of silence while on the phone with my boyfriend. I thought I heard scratching. I couldn’t tell where it was coming from though. My landlord does NOT take care of the backyard and so it looks like a jungle. I thought perhaps a bobcat or Sasquatch was living back there and maybe IT was making the noise. That was wishful thinking.

I just spent a longish weekend at my boyfriend’s apartment. I was a bit under the weather, so I was working remotely from his place on Monday and Tuesday. When I got home on Wednesday, I went to unpack my things and that’s when I saw it. Mouse poop! In the kitchen! My BEDROOM is just off of the kitchen! PANIC!!! All I could think about was mice crawling all over my things for 4 DAYS! One was even on my slipper! I know this because there was poop on my slipper!!** EW EW EW EW! MORE PANIC! ACCOMPANIED BY TEARS!!!

I called the landlord to let him know this was UNACCEPTABLE! Keep in mind, my landlord is a lazy, greedy dunce. His helpful and intelligent response? “It’s an urban environment, it’s Spring, there’s nothing I can do. Put more bait down.” I said that he should mow the back yard. He said that didn’t have anything to do with it. LIES! I know that he doesn’t want to go back there because the last time he did (1.5 YEARS ago), he got poison ivy. Hey, that’s not my problem. He finally said I could get a cat. But sadly, I can’t. I travel on weekends.

Beside myself, I did what any normal 30 year old woman would do. I called my mom and cried. She reassured me that based on the information I relayed, it didn’t sound like a whole pack of mice – but normal mouse problem due to the Spring and living environment. She also said I could move back home for a few months until I find a new apartment (and I haven’t ruled that out yet).

That night after I cried to my boyfriend (he’s a wonderful man and VERY patient…he has to be, he’s with me), I tried to settle down to sleep. Again…RUSTLING! So, I quickly shined the flashlight in its general direction. Nothing. Lights out. Rustling! Flashlight. Nothing. Repeat one more time.

Thursday morning as I’m getting ready for work I was still wondering to myself why they were there. You see, they never got into my food. Then I saw the box of packs of snack crackers I bought from BJ’s. Three of the packs had been violated. This means one crafty and nimble mouse scaled a METAL baker’s rack to get to these crackers. That’s it! This is WAR!

The crackers went in the trash, along with ANY other food they may have touched. Needless to say I threw out a lot. I now have snapping plastic bins for any food I bring into the house that does not go into the refrigerator. I’m under the impression that cans are alright to leave out. However, the MOMENT I see teeth marks in the cans. I’m moving. I don’t want to fuck with those mice.

I also disinfected the entire apartment and stuffed more steel wool everywhere I possibly could. I bought and laid a new kind of bait, as well as two snappy traps. And the pièce de résistance is the rat zapper that’s currently being shipped to me. That’s right. You want to mess with me and my slippers? You get electrocuted!!

It turns out most everyone who has lived in or near a city has a mouse story for you. It happens to almost everyone. That still doesn’t make it OK, but I think my favorite story is from a friend who said he came home to find a mouse in his bathtub one day. It looked utterly defeated. Apparently it fell into the tub but couldn’t climb back out and just kept sliding back to the center. Without an appropriate trapping device, he scooped it up in a pillow case and ran it outside.

I learned about the rat zapper from my boss who also occasionally has mice. She said it’s the best thing ever and if I were going to order one, please get another one for her too. Really? It worked so well you want two? OK, I believe you. Sign me up.

I still want to move, but I also want to buy a house some day. Rent is insane around the city and moving is COSTLY. I’m REALLY trying to save for that down payment. So, I’d rather not move and destroy the mice if I can. And so Mouse Watch 2008 (my war on terror***) begins.

*But not as vile as any sort of bugs. ALL bugs are disgusting, unacceptable and one of my biggest fears. The second I see one in my apartment, I pack up and leave. For that, yes, I will move back in with mom and dad.

**Yes, of COURSE I threw those slippers away IMMEDIATELY!

***No offense to anyone intended. I’m just saying they scare the bejesus out of me.

Posted in People I Want to Punch in the Face, WTF? | 5 Comments »

It Wasn’t Me

Thursday, March 27th, 2008

Often when objects or services are free and available for public use and there’s a level of anonymity involved, the go to the crapper far more quickly then when they are private, or offered for a fee. Case in point, the refrigerator in 99.9% of offices. If there is a spill or a mess, no one will own up to it. Additionally, if someone leaves food in there so long that it becomes a science project or no one goes in the kitchen due to the stench coming out of the cold box you’ll have to threaten termination to figure out who the owner is.

Today my lunch was ruined by one of these office cowards. Someone sloth of an employee left something brown and slightly sticky in the fridge for over a week. And guess what? It leaked. All over the bag that contained my lunch. The goo permeated the bag and seeped into my food. My tasty Trader Joe’s eggplant parmigiana and some snacks for later in the afternoon were destroyed. And now I’m angry.

I have a feeling the culprit was the same person who left two hard boiled eggs in the fridge to stink and rot…but I don’t KNOW for sure. Either way, it’s rude and disgusting. I’m not your mother. As an employee, please have some sense of responsibility and clean up after yourself! The same goes for the rest room!!

Well, I found the mess and called everyone’s attention to it. But you know what? I’m not going to clean it up. I refuse to. As I mentioned, I’m not your mother. I’m also not your maid. So, UNTIL it is cleaned, I’ll be bringing my food in one of those puffy insulated bags with ice packs. I refuse to play this disgusting game. Someone needs to pony up and fix their mistake. Until then, everyone ELSE’s food can wallow in filth.

Posted in People I Want to Punch in the Face, Things Not To Do, WTF? | 2 Comments »

Shame on The Wall Street Journal

Tuesday, March 18th, 2008

Steered Wrong: Drivers Trust GPS Even to a Fault

This article was published in today’s edition of The Wall Street Journal. I knew the journalism industry was in peril, but they’ve apparently abandoned all of their standards. The article focuses on how GPS systems are leading drivers astray, sometimes into oncoming traffic and off cliffs. The Wall Street Journal is supposed to be one of the most trusted print newspapers in the country. So why is it giving time and space to idiots who follow their GPS into lakes and off cliffs? And why doesn’t the article present the other side of the story? There’s no mention of how many accidents GPS systems may have averted now that drivers don’t have their noses in paper maps. There’s no mention of how accurate they often are. There is only mention of how sometimes they screw up.

Sure, the devices screw up. I have one and I’ve seen it take me the wrong way. But you know what I didn’t do? Drive off of a cliff or into a lake. Why, you ask? Because I keep my eyes open and watch the road. Employing some common sense REALLY helps in these situations. The article offers the following anecdote:

“During a vacation in Northern Wisconsin, Hill Wright turned to “Jack” for directions. “Jack” is the name given to the disembodied voice of his satellite navigation device by the GPS maker. Jack sent Mr. Wright off the highway and onto a paved road. The road turned first into gravel and then into a dirt trail littered with boulders and covered with overhanging branches.”

So driving on the gravel road seemed perfectly fine to this man? Only after running into possibly damaging branches did he begin to question the directions? What is WRONG with these people?! These are the type of people who inspire the government to pass laws to “protect” us because they assume we’re too stupid to make our own judgements. Who are they to tell me I can’t eat trans fats? Damn it, I should be able to CHOOSE to eat what I want. Now I’m just waiting for the day they ban GPS devices.

The article also fails to mention that these devices can be UPDATED!! For instance, mine came with a USB cable and recently reminded me that it was time to update my maps. The article also leaves out how many people got lost while driving pre-GPS vs. post-GPS.

I wonder how all these people got ANYWHERE if they blindly trusted everyone’s directions since they began driving. I also wonder if they blindly trust everything a machine does. If so, we’re in trouble…because they’re likely reading things on this here Internet. And no, it isn’t all true.

Posted in People I Want to Punch in the Face, Things Not To Do | 2 Comments »

Getting Around the Big Apple

Tuesday, March 4th, 2008

There are few things about New York City that I like.  I’ve worked in this city for about 8 years now and ultimately it’s draining, dirty and competitive.  People will often push, shove and display other aggressive behaviors just to be ONE step ahead of you while waiting at the same RED stop light to cross the street.   But now they do have that ONE step advantage, so they must be better at life than you…or something.

Needless to say, I’m not a fan of this place.  You know what’s worse than actually being cramped on this island with 8 million other people Monday through Friday?  Trying to get around this island with those 8 million other people…and I’ve found the MTA’s subway system to be the Worst Form of Transportation EVER.  Luckily they’ve raised our subway fare this month so it can suck even more.  Apparently they weren’t depressing us enough each morning with late, over-crowded trains that make many unscheduled stops in between stations so you can get to know your neighbor even better (Sir, your hand should be no where near there.  Move it before I rip your ears off.  Have a nice day.) !  And there’s nothing like being crushed by a subway door because the conductor decided 90 seconds was too long to have them open.  Never mind that passengers hadn’t finished getting OFF of the train and not ONE passenger at the stop was able to get on.  THIS is why people hold the doors open.  Now we get to pay even more for the privilege, thus making us truly bitter each day.  My absolute FAVORITE rides are when you get on the local train and mid-way through your ride it switches to an express train bypassing your stop!!  Oh, and when it rains too much and the entire system shuts down for a few hours?  It’s awesome!  The entire city then retreats to the sidewalk to fight over cabs!  You should see really see it!

I really don’t know what they did with that ridiculous surplus that spawned a week long strike a few years ago.  They certainly didn’t put it into upgrading or even maintaining the trains. The kicker is no matter how many people complain, nothing will change.  This is the way of mass transit.  This is also why so many people are in love with their cars.

I guess the subway isn’t all bad.  I mean, where else can you buy batteries from a drug addict for $1?  And if you take the right train, you can get your serving of religion in by listening to the overly religious and mentally disturbed woman’s daily sermon.  OH, and you can always get exposed to new music by listening to everyone’s iPod…because you know, headphones aren’t meant to be personal.

And because I experienced most of these wonderful subway quirks on my ride to work this morning, I want to punch every MTA employee in the face.

Posted in People I Want to Punch in the Face | No Comments »