My laziness got the better of me for months resulting in no posts. Since August! Shameful. And today I visit my site and find a spelling error! Since August! Also shameful. I logged in and hey…wait a minute…everything is different around here. The set up…it’s changed. And that’s how you know you’re not responsible enough to have a blog. When it’s been so long since you’ve posted that the service goes through a redesign and you have no idea. Time to get reacquainted!!
Archive for the ‘Things Not To Do’ Category
WordPress, oh how you’ve changed!
Wednesday, February 25th, 2009Good news!!
Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008I received a letter in the mail yesterday telling me that Commerce Bank has approved me for an excellent rate on a home equity loan! Now I can refinance my home to pay off other debt or make purchases!! All I have to do is fill out a form and….own a home. Hm, it’s that second requirement that I see being a sticking point. I don’t OWN a home!
Dear Commerce Bank,
Please put your “leads” through some sort of vetting process before repeatedly sending them junk mail and asking them for personal information. Identity theft is an issue and I lack the main requirement to take advantage of your offer. Just because I have a paltry savings account with your bank does not mean I would like to hear about other “great services” you offer. If I get more junk mail from you, I will move said paltry savings account to another bank.
Your chirpy Penny Arcade is not enough to keep me there; especially when I can stroll in off the street and use for free whenever I want (account holder or not).* Nor are your extended hours. Most banks have jumped on that trend. You know what WOULD keep me there? Leaving me the Hell alone. Oh, and free money. Free money would be good.
Until you have a message that is USEFUL and APPLIES TO ME, back off. Otherwise next time I will call customer service to discuss the offer. I have a little more time on my hands these days which is bad news for you.
Regards,
ScarletMLS
P.S. Cutting down on your mailing lists would allow you to make the claim that you’re institution keeps the environment in mind during your marketing campaigns, allowing you to jump aboard the “green” bandwagon. That would likely get you further than blind direct mailing. Just sayin’.
*Your prizes irritate me too. A coffee mug? Really? Do you have any idea how many silly free coffee mugs currently take up space in my kitchen cabinets? Give me the $1.10 it cost to produce and we’ll call it a day. Don’t even get me started on the lame t-shirts.
Maybe it’s me.
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008I don’t really understand the fun, or funny for that matter, of April Fool’s Day. I don’t consider this a “holiday” (and I’m using the term loosely) or why people think it’s acceptable to “celebrate” by playing practical jokes on co-workers and friends. It’s really not a good time for most people. I don’t need other people putting effort into making me look like a fool. I make enough mistakes that have that outcome on my own, thank you very much.
I also don’t enjoy covering for people who want to play jokes on others. Just leave me out of it OK? You’re taking away from my productivity at work (just like this blog post) and I try to live by the golden “do unto others” rule.
Oh – and none of you are funny. For instance, sending a company wide e-mail that says Dick Cheney will now be freelancing for us is NOT funny. It’s a waste of my time and energy to read and roll my eyes. If just once I saw an April Fool’s Day joke that made me laugh, perhaps I’d reconsider – but likely not.
Let’s just leave me out of it and catch up again on April 2? OK?
So Tell Me NBC, How Does Failure Feel?
Friday, March 28th, 2008I recently found out that due to the writer’s strike, Heroes will not air again until the Fall (yes, I live under a rock and it’s cozy – stop asking). This is one of the DUMBEST business decisions I’ve heard of in quite some time. I understand that they were having problems with their writing staff pre-strike, but here’s the thing you’ve FINALLY got a HIT show. Sort that shit out!! You haven’t been on top of the ratings since the “glory” of Must See TV. And now where are you? I’ll tell you. Number 4. That’s right, number 4 behind FOX, ABC and CBS. All I can do is snicker at your downfall because really, you brought this on yourself with your horrendous programming (and apparently staffing) decisions.
I’m not sure your network or Heroes will be able to recover. I hope the show does, as it’s one of my favorites. You introduced quite a few new characters and plot lines before the strike – some viewers cared about, some we just wanted off the screen. Then you take a year off?! Do you think we’ll care enough about the newcomers to return to the show in the Fall? I’m not so sure. All I can say is “good luck with that” and I hope you make better decisions in the future. Yet, somehow I doubt it. It’s sad to see a good show die and be replaced by the mindless likes of American Idol, Dancing with the Stars and Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader.
What boggles my mind is that other networks managed to bring back their hit shows to keep their audiences interested and happy. Why not scramble to find good writers to continue Heroes? Take a break if need be but don’t make viewers wait almost a year to pick up on a story that was only starting to be told.
May Howie Mandel continue to save your sorry ass network with his bald head, ridiculous guessing and metal briefcases.
It Wasn’t Me
Thursday, March 27th, 2008Often when objects or services are free and available for public use and there’s a level of anonymity involved, the go to the crapper far more quickly then when they are private, or offered for a fee. Case in point, the refrigerator in 99.9% of offices. If there is a spill or a mess, no one will own up to it. Additionally, if someone leaves food in there so long that it becomes a science project or no one goes in the kitchen due to the stench coming out of the cold box you’ll have to threaten termination to figure out who the owner is.
Today my lunch was ruined by one of these office cowards. Someone sloth of an employee left something brown and slightly sticky in the fridge for over a week. And guess what? It leaked. All over the bag that contained my lunch. The goo permeated the bag and seeped into my food. My tasty Trader Joe’s eggplant parmigiana and some snacks for later in the afternoon were destroyed. And now I’m angry.
I have a feeling the culprit was the same person who left two hard boiled eggs in the fridge to stink and rot…but I don’t KNOW for sure. Either way, it’s rude and disgusting. I’m not your mother. As an employee, please have some sense of responsibility and clean up after yourself! The same goes for the rest room!!
Well, I found the mess and called everyone’s attention to it. But you know what? I’m not going to clean it up. I refuse to. As I mentioned, I’m not your mother. I’m also not your maid. So, UNTIL it is cleaned, I’ll be bringing my food in one of those puffy insulated bags with ice packs. I refuse to play this disgusting game. Someone needs to pony up and fix their mistake. Until then, everyone ELSE’s food can wallow in filth.
Shame on The Wall Street Journal
Tuesday, March 18th, 2008Steered Wrong: Drivers Trust GPS Even to a Fault
This article was published in today’s edition of The Wall Street Journal. I knew the journalism industry was in peril, but they’ve apparently abandoned all of their standards. The article focuses on how GPS systems are leading drivers astray, sometimes into oncoming traffic and off cliffs. The Wall Street Journal is supposed to be one of the most trusted print newspapers in the country. So why is it giving time and space to idiots who follow their GPS into lakes and off cliffs? And why doesn’t the article present the other side of the story? There’s no mention of how many accidents GPS systems may have averted now that drivers don’t have their noses in paper maps. There’s no mention of how accurate they often are. There is only mention of how sometimes they screw up.
Sure, the devices screw up. I have one and I’ve seen it take me the wrong way. But you know what I didn’t do? Drive off of a cliff or into a lake. Why, you ask? Because I keep my eyes open and watch the road. Employing some common sense REALLY helps in these situations. The article offers the following anecdote:
“During a vacation in Northern Wisconsin, Hill Wright turned to “Jack” for directions. “Jack” is the name given to the disembodied voice of his satellite navigation device by the GPS maker. Jack sent Mr. Wright off the highway and onto a paved road. The road turned first into gravel and then into a dirt trail littered with boulders and covered with overhanging branches.”
So driving on the gravel road seemed perfectly fine to this man? Only after running into possibly damaging branches did he begin to question the directions? What is WRONG with these people?! These are the type of people who inspire the government to pass laws to “protect” us because they assume we’re too stupid to make our own judgements. Who are they to tell me I can’t eat trans fats? Damn it, I should be able to CHOOSE to eat what I want. Now I’m just waiting for the day they ban GPS devices.
The article also fails to mention that these devices can be UPDATED!! For instance, mine came with a USB cable and recently reminded me that it was time to update my maps. The article also leaves out how many people got lost while driving pre-GPS vs. post-GPS.
I wonder how all these people got ANYWHERE if they blindly trusted everyone’s directions since they began driving. I also wonder if they blindly trust everything a machine does. If so, we’re in trouble…because they’re likely reading things on this here Internet. And no, it isn’t all true.
Selfish 101
Thursday, February 7th, 2008I recently found out that someone I had considered a friend for years, holds the title of The Most Selfish Person in the World. I’m sure for some this is a distinguished title that garners awe from spectators and comes with many accolades, but I am not a fan. And let me assure you – she earned the title in a grand fashion.
In December of 2006 this friend accepted her boyfriend’s proposal of marriage and became engaged. I’m not exactly sure what chemical reactions happen in the brains of some women to make them absolutely insane and self centered the moment a diamond ring is offered to them and put on their finger, but it happens and it hit her hard.
She called the next day to tell me the happy news, and ask me to be in her wedding. I was happy for her and accepted. Mistake #1 and the beginning of the end of our friendship.
Now I know that through the entire engagement period (and wedding) many brides think of it as “their day” and they will do whatever they damn well please without taking anyone else’s feelings into account. Hell, there’s an entire television show dedicated to the phenomena (Bridezillas). That doesn’t, however, make it acceptable. Not one bit. Because while it may be your day…it’s his day too. And, ultimately, you’re throwing a party. That means you’re the host! And as the host, you also have a responsibility to think of your guests. After all, they’re there to celebrate the happy occasion and usually give you gifts. Think about showing THEM a good time. It’s actually NOT all about you. You may be the star, but without them, you’ve got no show.
The entire process lasted a little over one year, and ended mid-January. Throughout this nightmare (yeah, I said it), I took mental notes about what not to do should I walk down the aisle one day. Here are the highlights:
1. If you decide to ask your friends to stand up for you and be your bridesmaids, remember that they are your friends and not just people you want to call and suck up to you every day.
1 a. Limit it to one Maid of Honor, because really, two is unnecessary.
1 b. Do not explain that you chose two Maids of Honor because you took their time constraints and finances into mind, implying that one would provide the funds while the other had the time to help with planning. Neither will be pleased.
1 c. Try to have at least ONE bridesmaid within a 50 mile radius.
1 d. If you don’t want their opinion just say so. Conversely, if you want your bridesmaid’s help, say so. Don’t refuse help and then try to put a guilt trip on them when asking for an absurd and outlandish request (like delivering a $1,000 groom’s cake from Baltimore to Middle-of-Nowhere VA).
1 e. Don’t ask for absurd and outlandish requests.
1 f. A $1,000 groom’s cake?! WTF?! DO NOT do that.
1 g. A $1,000 cake of any kind! WTF?! DO NOT do that.
1 h. Wonder aloud why your fiancee can’t scrape up ONE member of a bridal party. If he’s got zero friends in life, you may want to find out why.
2. Pick whichever date you choose, but if it’s in the winter DO NOT hold your reception in a tent.
2 a. If it’s not in the winter, and you decided to have a tent, get a floor.
2 b. If it’s in the winter and the only non-hideous dresses you’ve chosen for your bridesmaids are sleeveless, DO NOT make them stand outside in snow flurries for pictures. They can not be held responsible if they do not look happy.
2 c. If you hold your reception in a tent, don’t tell your guests it will be held in a historic plantation home only to have them walk through the home to go to the tent in the back yard (only to walk back to the home to use the bathroom).
2 d. If you hold your reception in a tent, decorate the damn thing.
3. DO NOT make each and every one of your guests travel over 2 hours to attend your event.
3 a. DO NOT ask all of your bridal party to travel over 7 hours one way.
3 b. Do not make your bridal party find rides from the ceremony back to the reception because you and your new husband took the limo. You should REALLY not do this if your bridal party traveled over 7 hours to get there. Stop making them think about travel.
4. If your bridal party has to pay for the room they’re staying in, make sure you CLEARLY tell them that before check out time.
4 a. DO NOT ask your Maids of Honor if they’d like to share a room, especially when one has a boyfriend.
4 b. DO NOT ask your Maids of Honor if they’d like to share a room with one king size bed just because it opens up an extra room in the main house.
4 c. Invite your Maids of Honor with a GUEST, especially if one has a boyfriend and you’re asking both to travel over 7 hours one way to attend your “event.” DO NOT make them ask if they can bring their guest.
5. Do not repeatedly ask your guests to tell you how special you are. Clearly you’re special to them. They not only showed up to your event, but traveled a distance to do so.
5 a. Do not repeatedly “open up the floor” during your rehearsal dinner to anyone who “wants to say a few words” about you.
6. Get a caterer whose food makes you (and your guests) want second helpings. Do not get a caterer who doesn’t know how to make prime rib, manages to find the fattiest meat in the South and whose other specialty is fried chicken.
6 a. Do not have fried chicken as one of the two entrees at your wedding. It’s tacky and your guests should have food they couldn’t pick up at a fast food place on the way to the reception.
6 b. Carrot cake is too specific a flavor for a wedding cake. Not everyone shares your love of cream cheese frosting.
7. HAVE A FULL OPEN BAR!
8. Do not attend the after party. It’s your wedding night. If you do not have better things to do and you’re not considering leaving the reception just a bit early to do them, maybe you should reevaluate things.
9. Be kind to your family. Your parents want to see you happy and you should think about treating with love, kindness and respect.
10. Do not make your guests sit through and pay attention to a 30 minute slide show about you and your fiancee.
11. Pick a DJ or a band who owns more music than 3 ’90s compilation Cd’s.
12. Allow your GUESTS to dance for more than 1 hour of a 4 hour event. “Special” dances are nice, but let everyone have some fun.
12 a. If you own a custom built house, a corvette and a boat…do NOT have a money/dollar dance. And do not ask your DJ to say “$1, $5…whatever you can put in to dance with the bride or groom.”
12 b. Eh, do not have a dollar dance. You may not WANT to dance with everyone at your wedding.
12 c. Be sure that you and your fiancee sit the DJ down and give him an acceptable list of music to play. Also be sure to tell him which artists/songs are BANNED from the reception (e.g. The Electric Slide, The Hokey Poky, Meatloaf, Abba).
13. If your Maid of Honor is allergic to the fabric of her bridesmaid dress and is uncomfortable, let her leave the reception in peace. Do not ask her to change into jeans and come back.
14. Do not send out a 5 page itinerary that you expect everyone to follow the entire “wedding weekend.”
14 a. Do not do EVERYTHING yourself for your wedding. Have some of your vendors do the work. There is no reason your bridesmaids should be cutting the stems off of your flowers.
15. Lastly if your Maid of Honor suggests (TWICE) that she should not be in your wedding party, she should NOT be in your wedding party. Let her out of the commitment and stop being so damn selfish.
At this point you may wonder how I became friends with someone like this. The answer is simply, she wasn’t always this way. She had a spoiled streak, yes. But when we first met she was kind and even a little selfless. We were never best friends (contrary to her belief), but we were friends. Now? Well, I think now is a different story.